Writer's Block

Writing on here has been pretty sporadic and I haven't been in the mood to write  much, as I only have negative thoughts in my head and my pen feels very poisoned. Dave was looking up my Island Life blog this morning, to get some ideas for his journal, well actually to update his own journal and had left the page open. I read through some of the posts I had written and thought to myself, I did write some lovely stuff whilst in Trini... what has happened. Why am I so full of negativity these days? I really need to get my act together, I used to enjoy blogging so much and now, I hardly bother with it. All I ever do is play Candy Crush! It whiles away a lot of my free time, pointless but perhaps it's just a distraction from the real world that I am living in? I definitely need to meditate more. Suyin's Ramblings could well be turned to Suyin's Moans..... and who needs that? No one, for sure!

Recent happenings

Just a quick update... decided I could not pursue my nursing career for now as it requires me to go back to school for at least 12 months, followed by some clinical placements, so am now venturing into doulaism.... hahahaha. I will write more about what a doula is and what she does and why I am doing it. I finished my training yesterday, and am raring to go.

Am still a pharmacy assistant and trying hard to give it up. But Kim my doula trainer said work is sporadic and to take little steps at a time... I think I will combine my craft business with my doula business and see how it all goes.

Not sure who follows my blog, but this post is just to say Hello and yes, I am still alive and writing....

The Battered Wife Syndrome

Dave and I were in the car driving along and discussing my new job offer at another pharmacy, and my nursing career here in Canada.

I was trying to work out how I was going to tell my current boss that I was leaving.... now, most of you who know me must be thinking... girl, that's easy, just tell him to sling his hook!   Yet, here I was.. in a dilemma.. why was I hesitating? Surely, I should have no qualms about leaving. After all the stresses he has put me through, for one thing or another, why was I feeling bad?

There is a lot happening at the shop at the moment, some changes, we are getting new equipment and he needs staff there whilst it is being installed and we start using it. It is a big investment for him. I also am hesitating as I love working with my colleagues and we make a good team, supporting each other and always have a laugh or two when the boss isn't looking or listening to us. I am thinking of the effect my leaving will have on my colleagues and this makes my heart heavy, as their workload will be increased until someone new is found, trained and learn to work with the boss and not leave at his first few barks. In fact, one of them has said, please reconsider, please don't leave as you know he is not all bad. I know this to be true, but why work in an environment where you are on your guard all the time, not knowing when his next outburst will be. It is true that in the past year, he has improved, and has learnt to say please and thank you.

Also I  guess it's because I feel he gave me chance, gave me an opportunity, gave me a job when I went looking for one at his shop. I have learned a lot and my character has been built up no end. At the same time, I have had to have walls installed, heart hardened against all the tantrums he has thrown, all the accusations, all the pressure, it was beginning to make me ill...yet, inside me was this voice of doubt. I was making excuses, saying he was a trying to be a good person with a good christian heart, he helped a lot of his customers who  were struggling to pay for their medications, he does a lot of charitable work for his church, striving to be selfless, and yet somehow, not quite achieving it.

I had relayed this to Dave in our discussion, and he said to me, " You are sounding like a battered wife. This is what they do, they make excuses for their partners who constantly abuse them." It stopped me dead in my tracks.. well, my train of thoughts... was I? Was I sounding like a battered wife? Is this what it feels like to be abused over a long period of time? You learn to accept that this is how it is going to be.. but it's not all bad, because there are some good moments.  So, does one accept the bad times because of the good? Or are all the bad times unacceptable? The difference here is that I am not married to my work, there should not be a clause of for better or for worse, I have a choice, but why am I questioning my right to this choice?

In some ways, I really should have left all those months ago, when he really got personal and attacked my personality, making all sorts of assumptions, yet, he did not fire me. and I chose not to go. Today, here I sit, tap tapping away my thoughts, maybe a pros and cons list would help...

Pros
Better health not being stressed all the time
Better working environment- no more being on my guard all the time
Promise of better pay
Promise of being looked after well
Being able to be myself
Some days off in the week to be with the kids, catch up with studying, housework, knitting, crochet and friends!


Cons
A longer commute to work
Working every other Saturday- not a real con as Saturdays are mostly taken over by housework!
Costs or running another car


Looks clear doesn't it...

I must leave but how do I go about it? How does one exit pleasantly? What do I say? Do I tell him truth and let him deal with how he feels about it? Why am I even bothering about how he feels? Why???

Maybe the crux of the matter is this, I don't like having to let anyone down, but I know should I leave. This is what he will think and then be mouthing to others, that I was not honest, not trustworthy, he always had a feeling about me, not being genuine... why should I care? I know I am not all these things... Arghhhh !!!! You are probably wondering how I know this will happen, it is because when I first started working for him, he told me about a technician who had left, and these were the words he used to describe him. At least, I hope he will not say I was dishonest, as I have been very open with him, until the moment he said I was too honest and open!

I should learn to accept that I will not be liked or accepted by everyone. This Bernard Baruch quote should be practised, and maybe I will find some peace within myself

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

The other one to consider is

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.
Lao Tzu 

A Busy Saturday

Been a frantic busy day, starting with getting lost as the Tom Tom GPS took us to the wrong mall... arrived for interview just in time, and not early as I had planned, met my potential new boss, a very pleasant and charming man, ensuring me that I will be well looked after by his team... resume handed over, contact number and names exchanged... and a  promise to go to Pickering later to meet with his son at one of his stores.

We then dashed downtown to pick up my car, a white little darling of a Hyundai Accent, many  many years old, I will be it's 8th owner, and 160,000 on the odometer! A banger by any other name, but not by nature!  Off to the ministry of transport to get ownership transferred, new number plates which is BPXN 845, and pay road tax and govt tax... back to motor shop, plates fixed, money handed over, purchase complete...

Mad dash home, just in time to pick Mitch up from his guitar lesson, back home again, then off to Pickering to meet up with Hany, hours and availability discussed, another resume handed over... 

Driving home, this time on the 401, rather than the tolled 407, up to the library, picked up book on hold, another book returned as it had a hold on it... then decided to look thru the CD section..

Yuna

Discovered Yuna... she looked Malaysian, but I did not know of her, decided to give her a try.. borrowed all of the Killers collection, a Van Morrison, Moby, Pink, Barbara Streisand, A guitar CD, Florence and her washing machine, and David Gray.. my taste in music as eclectic as ever!

I also borrowed 3 novels, one for Mitch called Shoeless Joe that his Englich teacher recommended on parents' evening and Dave took out 2 DVDs, Social Network and The Men Who Stare at Goats! 

Kimchi

Next off to the local Korean Supermarket on Yonge, just down from the library but first stop was the Grande Cheese Factory Shop for some ice cream that the kids love. Got some lovely Italian salami, balsamic vinegar and the ice cream of course.  At the H-Mart, kimchi was 20% off, so I just had to get some after a tasting of the several kinds they make... love kimchi.. then to the sushi bar to pick up some Korean sushi, California roll, bulgogi kimbap, meat free kimbab, some kimchi pizza(omelette), Korean vege appetisers and other yummy treats! I love shopping here, there are several tasting stations, especially liked the kimchi(of course), the fried fresh king oyster mushroom salad with garlic vinaigrette,  the Korean vanilla latte and Korean digestive biscuits, in fact everything I tried! There was also a Japanese pancake that was made with cabbage... very bubble and squeak..This was all very helpful to ease the hunger pangs I was suffering from, I had forgotten to have any lunch with all this mad dashing about!

Kimchi Pizza

Am listening to Yuna as I am writing this... here is a link about her from good ol' wiki 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yuna_(singer)

And here is her official site

http://www.yunamusic.com/


Whilst we were at the cashier waiting to pay for our goodies at H-Mart, Dave said," Wonder what time Mitch's soccer session is tonight?" Arghhh, I totally forgot... mad phone call to Mitch, we had 50 minutes to pay, get home pick him up and take him ......

Ok, all of this happened on a day off!  Who has time for work on a day like today? I guess after vegeing out for many weekends in a row, apart from taking Mitch to his guitar lessons and soccer, we just crammed everything into today.. there are many things left to sort though, the Xmas gifts for the UK to be wrapped, and posted for one, the washing and changing of the bed linen for another, not to mention the general housework, the cooking, more cleaning up, getting the little bits I need for my new 'old' car- GPS, snow management equipment, not to mention it needs a wash! 

Will stop here, am feeling exhaustipated now, reliving all that I have written down, not to mention starving as all the food we bought is just sitting patiently by my side on the dining table shouting at me to eat! I will start with the stuffed squid!

Finally

After months and months of waiting, the College of Nurses of Ontario has written to say that I am eligible to sit their Board of Nurses exams! I am so deliriously happy at this moment it has to be said!

I had almost given up hope of ever hearing from them... so now, to read through the blurb, apply to sit the exam and see what happens next.. the path is not hurdle free but I am ready to face them...and hope not to land flat on my face but to leap high and surpass each one as they present themselves.. I am unstopppable!

After yesterday's post, it is for sure that I will go!

To go or not to go

For several months now, I have been battling with myself as to what to do with the situation at work. I have been struggling to understand my boss, who has made some allegations about my character and trust worthiness. I have tried very hard to remind myself that it is not me with the problem but him. Try as I might it still hurts. It shouldn't I know, as I know other people do not think the same of me, in fact quite the opposite.

Today, I was talking to my colleagues as to what work there was still to do, and he barks at me, in his condescending way. "Suyin, you have nothing to do, you have some free time?" Accusing me of idle chit chat, when it was work I was discussing. I told him what I was doing and he shut up!   It had been a crazy busy morning in work, and when I got in at 12pm, it was still slightly manic. It settled down after about an hour, but we continued to be busy for most of the day. There is so much going on behind the scenes at work. From ordering, to receiving orders and shelving things, manning the cash tills, preparing dosette packs, and filing like you would never believe.  You may think you have finished the filing, and there lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in another basket waiting for you, full of all these little bits of paper, records of all prescriptions that have been filled.  And yes, behind the basket waiting, is yet another!  Every thing has to be scanned, so there is the scanning basket too, in fact the place is full of baskets. Baskets of medications, baskets of filing, baskets of filled prescriptions waiting to be processed, baskets of prescriptions waiting for the order to arrive, baskets of billing from the dosettes.... it's turned me into a bit of a basket case!

Anyhow, one of my friends has banned me from talking about the troubles I am having with my boss in her presence.  I think she thinks it's not useful to discuss the same problems over and over and not being able to see a solution in the horizon. What she doesn't understand is that I need to talk to reassure myself and perhaps have others reassure me that I am who I am and not the person my boss thinks I am!  Actually, she says, we are not going to talk about this anymore as it only upsets you, and it's better to move on.  But how does one move on, when one has not resolved what one is bothered/troubled by? I will add here, that she's not really a close friend and perhaps will never be. I always try to be a listening ear to any of my friends undergoing stress/difficulties/problems... listening to them, letting them vent their thoughts. Never would I tell them never to talk about their problems, if that is what they want to do.  Life is not a bed of roses, after all, but perhaps it is, as there are thorns on a rose bush too!

Something positive now, my boss's business partner was in the store today and asked me if I had lost some weight. Well, what could I say? This is what I do say.. "You think so? I have not been trying to lose weight, but it's great that someone has noticed." I can be a such a charmer with words when I want to be!  I wanted to say, I have been so stressed here the weight has fallen off.  I am on my feet all day, I only take 10 minute breaks, and I don't even take any on Thursday or Friday. I get told off for not appearing to be busy at work, I am on edge, waiting for the pounce of baskets of filing, or worse still another verbal attack from the big bully. 

Seriously though, I am bigger that this, I can withstand all he throws in my direction, as I know it's him that has a problem.  But why should I stand for it? I am paid just above minimal wage, it's a low paying job, with fairly unfriendly family hours, standing for hours on end, and feeling pressured and stressed.  Let's not even talk about job satisfaction!   Is it worth it? No it's not.  If I was paid good money, I may put up with it, but this, it's such a joke, and the joke's on me. So, a move is order.. there are other jobs on the horizon, I need to do something that I enjoy, something that makes me feel like I am contributing to society, helping, being useful....

Too young to have children!

Conversation at the bakery next door to the pharmacy where I work...
Shop owner and a lady customer were talking about whether there was school that day..and I walked into this convo and was asked if my kids were at school..
Yes, they are at school.
Lady customer who also gets her meds from us, says to me, "You have kids?"
"Yes,I have 2 children"
"You do?" in a voice of disbelief..."How old are they?"
"11 and 13," said I...
"Really?" said she..
Again I said yes, and was wondering why she was so amazed, did I look like I was barren? Or so unattractive nobody would want to procreate with me?
Then she said, but you look too young to have had any children!
Well, well, well... It just made my day!