The Battered Wife Syndrome

Dave and I were in the car driving along and discussing my new job offer at another pharmacy, and my nursing career here in Canada.

I was trying to work out how I was going to tell my current boss that I was leaving.... now, most of you who know me must be thinking... girl, that's easy, just tell him to sling his hook!   Yet, here I was.. in a dilemma.. why was I hesitating? Surely, I should have no qualms about leaving. After all the stresses he has put me through, for one thing or another, why was I feeling bad?

There is a lot happening at the shop at the moment, some changes, we are getting new equipment and he needs staff there whilst it is being installed and we start using it. It is a big investment for him. I also am hesitating as I love working with my colleagues and we make a good team, supporting each other and always have a laugh or two when the boss isn't looking or listening to us. I am thinking of the effect my leaving will have on my colleagues and this makes my heart heavy, as their workload will be increased until someone new is found, trained and learn to work with the boss and not leave at his first few barks. In fact, one of them has said, please reconsider, please don't leave as you know he is not all bad. I know this to be true, but why work in an environment where you are on your guard all the time, not knowing when his next outburst will be. It is true that in the past year, he has improved, and has learnt to say please and thank you.

Also I  guess it's because I feel he gave me chance, gave me an opportunity, gave me a job when I went looking for one at his shop. I have learned a lot and my character has been built up no end. At the same time, I have had to have walls installed, heart hardened against all the tantrums he has thrown, all the accusations, all the pressure, it was beginning to make me ill...yet, inside me was this voice of doubt. I was making excuses, saying he was a trying to be a good person with a good christian heart, he helped a lot of his customers who  were struggling to pay for their medications, he does a lot of charitable work for his church, striving to be selfless, and yet somehow, not quite achieving it.

I had relayed this to Dave in our discussion, and he said to me, " You are sounding like a battered wife. This is what they do, they make excuses for their partners who constantly abuse them." It stopped me dead in my tracks.. well, my train of thoughts... was I? Was I sounding like a battered wife? Is this what it feels like to be abused over a long period of time? You learn to accept that this is how it is going to be.. but it's not all bad, because there are some good moments.  So, does one accept the bad times because of the good? Or are all the bad times unacceptable? The difference here is that I am not married to my work, there should not be a clause of for better or for worse, I have a choice, but why am I questioning my right to this choice?

In some ways, I really should have left all those months ago, when he really got personal and attacked my personality, making all sorts of assumptions, yet, he did not fire me. and I chose not to go. Today, here I sit, tap tapping away my thoughts, maybe a pros and cons list would help...

Pros
Better health not being stressed all the time
Better working environment- no more being on my guard all the time
Promise of better pay
Promise of being looked after well
Being able to be myself
Some days off in the week to be with the kids, catch up with studying, housework, knitting, crochet and friends!


Cons
A longer commute to work
Working every other Saturday- not a real con as Saturdays are mostly taken over by housework!
Costs or running another car


Looks clear doesn't it...

I must leave but how do I go about it? How does one exit pleasantly? What do I say? Do I tell him truth and let him deal with how he feels about it? Why am I even bothering about how he feels? Why???

Maybe the crux of the matter is this, I don't like having to let anyone down, but I know should I leave. This is what he will think and then be mouthing to others, that I was not honest, not trustworthy, he always had a feeling about me, not being genuine... why should I care? I know I am not all these things... Arghhhh !!!! You are probably wondering how I know this will happen, it is because when I first started working for him, he told me about a technician who had left, and these were the words he used to describe him. At least, I hope he will not say I was dishonest, as I have been very open with him, until the moment he said I was too honest and open!

I should learn to accept that I will not be liked or accepted by everyone. This Bernard Baruch quote should be practised, and maybe I will find some peace within myself

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

The other one to consider is

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.
Lao Tzu