To go or not to go

For several months now, I have been battling with myself as to what to do with the situation at work. I have been struggling to understand my boss, who has made some allegations about my character and trust worthiness. I have tried very hard to remind myself that it is not me with the problem but him. Try as I might it still hurts. It shouldn't I know, as I know other people do not think the same of me, in fact quite the opposite.

Today, I was talking to my colleagues as to what work there was still to do, and he barks at me, in his condescending way. "Suyin, you have nothing to do, you have some free time?" Accusing me of idle chit chat, when it was work I was discussing. I told him what I was doing and he shut up!   It had been a crazy busy morning in work, and when I got in at 12pm, it was still slightly manic. It settled down after about an hour, but we continued to be busy for most of the day. There is so much going on behind the scenes at work. From ordering, to receiving orders and shelving things, manning the cash tills, preparing dosette packs, and filing like you would never believe.  You may think you have finished the filing, and there lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in another basket waiting for you, full of all these little bits of paper, records of all prescriptions that have been filled.  And yes, behind the basket waiting, is yet another!  Every thing has to be scanned, so there is the scanning basket too, in fact the place is full of baskets. Baskets of medications, baskets of filing, baskets of filled prescriptions waiting to be processed, baskets of prescriptions waiting for the order to arrive, baskets of billing from the dosettes.... it's turned me into a bit of a basket case!

Anyhow, one of my friends has banned me from talking about the troubles I am having with my boss in her presence.  I think she thinks it's not useful to discuss the same problems over and over and not being able to see a solution in the horizon. What she doesn't understand is that I need to talk to reassure myself and perhaps have others reassure me that I am who I am and not the person my boss thinks I am!  Actually, she says, we are not going to talk about this anymore as it only upsets you, and it's better to move on.  But how does one move on, when one has not resolved what one is bothered/troubled by? I will add here, that she's not really a close friend and perhaps will never be. I always try to be a listening ear to any of my friends undergoing stress/difficulties/problems... listening to them, letting them vent their thoughts. Never would I tell them never to talk about their problems, if that is what they want to do.  Life is not a bed of roses, after all, but perhaps it is, as there are thorns on a rose bush too!

Something positive now, my boss's business partner was in the store today and asked me if I had lost some weight. Well, what could I say? This is what I do say.. "You think so? I have not been trying to lose weight, but it's great that someone has noticed." I can be a such a charmer with words when I want to be!  I wanted to say, I have been so stressed here the weight has fallen off.  I am on my feet all day, I only take 10 minute breaks, and I don't even take any on Thursday or Friday. I get told off for not appearing to be busy at work, I am on edge, waiting for the pounce of baskets of filing, or worse still another verbal attack from the big bully. 

Seriously though, I am bigger that this, I can withstand all he throws in my direction, as I know it's him that has a problem.  But why should I stand for it? I am paid just above minimal wage, it's a low paying job, with fairly unfriendly family hours, standing for hours on end, and feeling pressured and stressed.  Let's not even talk about job satisfaction!   Is it worth it? No it's not.  If I was paid good money, I may put up with it, but this, it's such a joke, and the joke's on me. So, a move is order.. there are other jobs on the horizon, I need to do something that I enjoy, something that makes me feel like I am contributing to society, helping, being useful....