To go or not to go

For several months now, I have been battling with myself as to what to do with the situation at work. I have been struggling to understand my boss, who has made some allegations about my character and trust worthiness. I have tried very hard to remind myself that it is not me with the problem but him. Try as I might it still hurts. It shouldn't I know, as I know other people do not think the same of me, in fact quite the opposite.

Today, I was talking to my colleagues as to what work there was still to do, and he barks at me, in his condescending way. "Suyin, you have nothing to do, you have some free time?" Accusing me of idle chit chat, when it was work I was discussing. I told him what I was doing and he shut up!   It had been a crazy busy morning in work, and when I got in at 12pm, it was still slightly manic. It settled down after about an hour, but we continued to be busy for most of the day. There is so much going on behind the scenes at work. From ordering, to receiving orders and shelving things, manning the cash tills, preparing dosette packs, and filing like you would never believe.  You may think you have finished the filing, and there lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in another basket waiting for you, full of all these little bits of paper, records of all prescriptions that have been filled.  And yes, behind the basket waiting, is yet another!  Every thing has to be scanned, so there is the scanning basket too, in fact the place is full of baskets. Baskets of medications, baskets of filing, baskets of filled prescriptions waiting to be processed, baskets of prescriptions waiting for the order to arrive, baskets of billing from the dosettes.... it's turned me into a bit of a basket case!

Anyhow, one of my friends has banned me from talking about the troubles I am having with my boss in her presence.  I think she thinks it's not useful to discuss the same problems over and over and not being able to see a solution in the horizon. What she doesn't understand is that I need to talk to reassure myself and perhaps have others reassure me that I am who I am and not the person my boss thinks I am!  Actually, she says, we are not going to talk about this anymore as it only upsets you, and it's better to move on.  But how does one move on, when one has not resolved what one is bothered/troubled by? I will add here, that she's not really a close friend and perhaps will never be. I always try to be a listening ear to any of my friends undergoing stress/difficulties/problems... listening to them, letting them vent their thoughts. Never would I tell them never to talk about their problems, if that is what they want to do.  Life is not a bed of roses, after all, but perhaps it is, as there are thorns on a rose bush too!

Something positive now, my boss's business partner was in the store today and asked me if I had lost some weight. Well, what could I say? This is what I do say.. "You think so? I have not been trying to lose weight, but it's great that someone has noticed." I can be a such a charmer with words when I want to be!  I wanted to say, I have been so stressed here the weight has fallen off.  I am on my feet all day, I only take 10 minute breaks, and I don't even take any on Thursday or Friday. I get told off for not appearing to be busy at work, I am on edge, waiting for the pounce of baskets of filing, or worse still another verbal attack from the big bully. 

Seriously though, I am bigger that this, I can withstand all he throws in my direction, as I know it's him that has a problem.  But why should I stand for it? I am paid just above minimal wage, it's a low paying job, with fairly unfriendly family hours, standing for hours on end, and feeling pressured and stressed.  Let's not even talk about job satisfaction!   Is it worth it? No it's not.  If I was paid good money, I may put up with it, but this, it's such a joke, and the joke's on me. So, a move is order.. there are other jobs on the horizon, I need to do something that I enjoy, something that makes me feel like I am contributing to society, helping, being useful....

Too young to have children!

Conversation at the bakery next door to the pharmacy where I work...
Shop owner and a lady customer were talking about whether there was school that day..and I walked into this convo and was asked if my kids were at school..
Yes, they are at school.
Lady customer who also gets her meds from us, says to me, "You have kids?"
"Yes,I have 2 children"
"You do?" in a voice of disbelief..."How old are they?"
"11 and 13," said I...
"Really?" said she..
Again I said yes, and was wondering why she was so amazed, did I look like I was barren? Or so unattractive nobody would want to procreate with me?
Then she said, but you look too young to have had any children!
Well, well, well... It just made my day!

Tired and weary!

Wanting to be happy about going to work again....... when will this happen I wonder, is it my own fault, should I just stop moaning and get on with it? Perhaps look for something else that is more rewarding, but then don't they say, better the devil you know? My sense of adventure seems to been dampened by all the challenges that have been thrown in my path in the last year or so... so much character building, so many triumphs over the barriers, yet the ultimate goal of achieving a license to practice here as a registered nurse seems out of reach, despite all my efforts, I am getting weary and tired, is this it? Is this all I have to offer Canada, and also is this all Canada has to offer me?

I had a frustrating day last Friday, I had taken the day off and was so excited about it because the kids were off school and Dave was off work too. It was a good opportunity to try and sort my current status in Canada, am I a visitor or temporary worker? Is there a difference? I went to one of the all new, shiny and spanking Immigration Centres, Huge building to help new immigrants settle, ESL classes, childcare facilities, help with all sorts, apart from being able to help me.... they had no answers for me, they told me where I could get answers, avenues I had gone down before only to meet up with a dead end... I was advised to go personally to the Immigration Office in Downtown Toronto.. Please can I call first, so my journey is not wasted? Sorry, we do not have their number... could you call on my behalf as you are the Immigration Centre for newly arrived people to your country? Sorry, no we can't... to again another dead end, another day I have to take off without pay, to find out what my status is...may be a wasted journey, they may not even let me see anyone...busses in out region are still on strike, so it means driving too... I am tired of all this, I just want for things to go smoothly, just for once? Is this too much to ask? I am tired of riding on this roller coaster already....

Dave too had a frustrating time, trying to renew Jasmine's health card which will expire in January for some strange reason, he brought the required documents as stated on the letter we received, he drove there, and got in the queue only to be told he had not brought all the documents required!!! He explained that he brought what was stated in the letter but the dragon guarding the gate would not let him through....

We ended up feeling completely drained and despondent.. even the restaurant that Jasmine wanted to go to was shut as we were too late for lunch and 2 hours too early for dinner...

20 years strong

It's been a while since I last blogged. Working full time may have something to do with the fact that I am too bushed to write a few words even though there's been many a time when I thought, hmmmm, this is good material for my blog!

Today marks the 20th anniversary of Dave and I meeting. Strictly speaking this isn't true I guess.  Shall I say that I was oblivious to Dave's existence until today 20 years ago.  It was the first time he spoke to me, and me to him, chatting me up in the staff swimming pool at the BRI.  We've not stopped chatting ever since, apart from when I was giving him the cold shoulder for some minor disagreement according to him, and major row in my opinion!

20 years of laughter, blood, sweat and tears...in that order of quantity and importance.  Well, maybe not the blood bit, more laughter, love and madness!  For those who know me pretty well, the blood bit has a some meaning, but I shan't be explaining it here lol.

What has been happening over the last 2.5 months? Well, the kids spent most of the summer at home, on their own, whilst I worked  4 days a week, and had Friday off to be with them. We also  had a week off when we went to Huntsville, Muskoka, to a resort by the Lake Peninsula, for 3 nights and 4 days after staying in Blue Mountains at the Georgian Manor resort, a points system time share joint that was freebie stay. Needless to say, we did not buy into the holiday club. The room they gave up was pretty poor, but on our orientation, they showed us a typical apartment that we would have and it was luxurious.  The way I looked at it was, you pay an amount, let's say CAD 12K for 25,000 points per year, for 30 years. You also have to pay a maintenance charge, compulsory charge of CAD 500 a year. So, for 30 years, you pay another CAD15K on top of the 12K you already paid out.  These points can then be traded for accommodation and flights, if you have enough points.  Most of the accommodation may come in cheap if you book last minute, off peak and you may get a 4-5 * place for less than 10,000 per week. So far so good... you still have to get the flights out there, or drive there or get there by some other means.  They have a travel agent who can help with getting the flights, and say their prices are competitive, usually lower than anywhere else. It all sounded so good, and if you do not use all your points in one year, you can carry it on to the next, but they can only last for 2 years.  You could also get a points loan from your future years, shortening the term you initially paid into. And it's all fully transferable, so, if I had a stroke next year, and could no longer travel, I could transfer the plan to my kids or anyone I wished.

All very attractive, yes? Sounded such a good deal. too good to give up, so, what was the catch? None, they said, because of the member numbers that have signed up, they have great buying power and ability to provide these deals. Hmmm.  Lets just consider our lifestyles at the moment...... Both Dave and I are living in a country that is not out birth country. If we were to have a major holiday expense, we would be going back to the UK or Malaysia to see our respective parents and family.  Will we need 4-5* accommodation?? Probably not, as we would be staying with the folks.  Would we be travelling off peak? No, we won't as kids have school to go to. Would we do a last minute holiday? Maybe, but only if we can get the time off work! So, all in all, it was beginning to look like we were unable to get the good deals and our points would not go a looong way. We were also restricted to using the points in 1-2 weeks per year, and if you booked for accom outside your resort, you paid a CAD 124 booking fee. Again, not so good.

Last but not least, did we have a spare CAD 12,000 sitting in the bank, not needed for anything?? This answer would be a definite NO! We don't have that kind of spare cash. Oh, but sir, that is not a problem, you could always take out a loan to pay for it.... A loan, you say, and what's the APR... well, it's high, at 22.9%, as we would rather have the payment in full. Ahhhh, said I. 22.9%? When a high interest savings account pays our 1.5%APR at the moment? You got to be kidding meh?? You serious?? The Trini in meh rearing my intelligent head. Or, or... oh yes, or? Or you could use get a line of credit from your bank, and the APR will be less.  Ahhh, line of credit, another term from loan, but this time from your personal bank... I will still need to pay this back, and if I am paying this back, will I have any money left to pay for the flights for 4 people?? And be able to use my points? and still have some money to spend whilst on holiday?? See my dilemma?  This was a no brainer, of course we would not be buying today, but thank you very much for inviting us. The timing is not right, not now, not ever! In my opinion, it did not make sense....it would be different I guess, if I had the spare cash and did a lot of travelling, with no priorities as to where we should go on holiday, but with aging parents, they will always come first.

Ok, now for the happy events...Deerhurst Resort was lovely and we had a brilliant time by the lakeside, swimming, kayaking, canoeing, tubing, Dave and Mitch played  a bit of golf, Jas and I went horse riding, and we had wound down in amazing surroundings. The Canadians have a second home by the lakes, and as we paddle boarded and kayaked, we saw some of these 'cottages', set just above the water line, most looked like luxury homes. If you have visited Trinidad and the Bocas- Down D Islands, the cottages were a bit like the houses on the islands... amazing, with jetty's and boat parks, lake inflatables and the rest lol.  Mitch and I had a little adventure when we rescued some people stranded on their tube, and they shouted out to us for help when we were paddle boarding. We towed them back to their cottage, made friends and they took us out on their boat, pulling Mitch behind on a tube...

Mitch and Jas went back to school in September, and seem more relaxed this year,  going back to the same school has been a good thing for them.  They are happy to be back and are settling in really well in their new classes. I have been working full time since they started back, and they return to an empty house most days, usually Jas on her own, if Mitch goes to a friend after school. It's working out ok, they are responsible enough to get their homework done as soon as they get back.  On the days that I work till 6pm, Dave, tries to get home early.

Some friends of mine visited from Malaysia too this month! They were on a North American tour and had 2 nights in Toronto, so we met up and had dinner with them.  It was really nice to see them after 4 years! Choy Yuen, Yit Ming and her daughter Natalie had just been to NYC, Boston, Quebec City, Montreal and Ottawa prior to coming to Toronto. We went to Swiss Chalet, which is a family type chain of restaurants that serve spit roast chicken and  bbq pork ribs, as their speciality. We don't rate them that highly, but as our guests did not want Asian food, it was the next best bet. I hope they enjoyed their meals as much as they said they had lol.

Choy Yuen very kindly brought some things from me, from my mum, and will be bringing some things back for me. I am so lucky, I have friends that are willing to do me a favour.  I guess I should count my blessings when things aren't going too well. It was a difficult end to my working week last week with me reduced to tears at work, but when I look back and see all that I have achieved, on my own initially, and then with Dave, I feel like the world can throw me anything, and we have the means to deal with it.

Peace and happy wishes to all, till the next posting....

It's Happening

My son and daughter are doing to me what I did to my mum  at their age. I would have my own cooking adventures when she was at work, and leave a little mess from my endeavours (she would dispute this and say big mess), I would desperately try to clean up but always left a greasy trail, this was what I came home too yesterday, flour, butter, cheese, kitchen floor mopped but with no detergent, so now the kitchen floor's all slippery with grease spread round! 

Sugar cookies by Mitch

I thought it a bit suspicious when they would not allow me into the kitchen when I got home, and Mitch had just finished mopping, so the floor was wet and he said, stay out, I don't want you to slip.  But as our house is open plan, I could see the miniature chaos in the background.  I duly went to watch some TV and catch up my emails and FB, when they said, can we put the wooden pizza board in the oven? Use a baking sheet with parchment paper, I say.  We can't as I still have unbaked cookies on them... oh, well, use one of the other tins then as your pizzas aren't very big. Ok, Mitch said.

I had left for work yesterday morning having prepared the ingredients for homemade pizza in the evening. The bread dough was made and proving, the tomato sauce was cooked, the toppings all prepared and put back in the fridge. I had rung Dave at work and told him what to do, then told the kids that they could blend the sauce before using it. 

Dave was home late, he was stuck on a bus, delayed by a 3 car collision on Highway 7, so I was home first.  The kids decided they would have a go making the pizzas.... they had also made some cupcakes and sugar biscuits earlier.. it was an afternoon of culinary delights and discovery.  Unfortunately, despite numerous visits to Dominoes Pizza where they saw the pizzas being made, they still struggled with rolling of the dough, how much sauce to put on and so on and so forth.   What I saw on the pizza board was this - 3 pizzas, 2 mini ones, thick crust, one small pizza, dangerously thick crust... the crusts looked a bit puffed up, and I wondered if they had tried to stuff the crust too.

Mini pizzas

It's probably my fault, the bread dough was difficult to handle, probably too soft, and the minute they tried to roll it out flat, it would spring back at them. Anyhow, I heard a shout from the kitchen, I can't get it of f the pizza board. Ok, I say, I am coming...... I get in there, found the other baking sheet in the pan drawer and lined it with parchment paper. Turned to the puffy pizza and tried to lift it off, impossible, the sauce has soaked into the dough, it was all a bit soggy, started to stretch and tear... what to do? I tried folding it over and make a calzone, reasonable success but great difficulty getting it on the baking sheet, and it now looked like a monster, calzone gone terribly wrong, all stuffed with mushroom, cheese, onion and peppers, not to mention ooozing with zingy tomato sauce. I placed the 2 mini pizzas beside it, put them in the oven and hoped for the best, despite it's looks, the monster still had choice ingredients on its side, or its insides at the very least.

Monster calzone

In the meantime, my beady eye cast a glance over the entire workspace the kids had been working on, it was strewn with flour, butter, tomato sauce, grated cheese..... I tried to keep calm and not shout and failed miserably.. I will have to try harder next time.... Anyhow, I said to them, so much mess everywhere, there's even flour on the tea cosy! I ranted for a bit, saying that the best time for them to experiment in the kitchen is when I am not in, and to finish and tidy up before I get back! We tried mum, but all our cooking took up so much time and my sugar cookies were too soft and they required a lot of chilling time. I said, you had 8 hours to cook... well, Mitch said, we played for 2 hours, then Jas started making her cupcakes, then I started with my cookies.. Did you have lunch? No, we ran out of time... ran out of time?? Are you kidding me? I had left them some cash to go and get something for lunch themselves. This was done with the intention of getting them out of the house for a bit, as they have the tendency to stay in all day whilst I am at work.. it's the summer holidays and they are spending the majority of it indoors! WELL, we ate the cupcakes Jasmine made. Humph, I said.

purple cupcakes with blue icing

Jas, had left the kitchen by now, Mitch came in to help tidy, but was rather upset with me, understandably as I was being unreasonable and should expect the kids to make a mess, and for me to come home and clean it all up. It's all about discovery and independence... but I think I will stick to having them help me more in the kitchen in the future, but I am a rather bad teacher and prone to outbursts... argh....

The pizza Mitch and I made together

I can still hear my mum's words as she ranted at me for leaving the kitchen in a mess. Of course as time went by, I was getting better and better at tidying up after myself, but she would still discover signs of me having experimented despite the obvious delightful product to be enjoyed by the family, and the neighbours too, as I usually made too much. So, it's come full circle. My mum use to threaten me with the, just wait till you have your own kids, and me retaliating with I am not having kids, so there..... huh....what did I know? Perhaps, my mum saying I have eaten more salt than you have rice is true after all.......I have come full circle, was being shouted at, now I am doing the shouting, but I want to break this circle, shouting is and will never be the answer...

On My Walk This Morning

  

On my walk this morning, 

What did I see,

A field full of geese,

Sunshine shining through the clouds 

And the breeze blowing through the trees.

Well kept borders of colourful flowers,

Steps with pots of colours,

Petunias, begonias, geraniums and more

Sunflowers soaring towards the skies, plates of yellow

Nodding at me, saying, "Summer's here but not for much longer."

In my ears, songs play...egging me along, making my walk easier.

Songs that remind me of people, that I have left behind

Songs that remind me of a time past

Memories that never seem to fade

Echobelly reminds me of Billy, who introduced them to me

Duffy of Matty and a time of madness, so mad but painfully sweet,

Zee Avi takes me home, to my brother who first posted one of her songs on FB

In the distance I see cars, the Highway 7, 6 lanes of rushour traffic

I hear not the noise they make for the music in my ears

I spot a bird or two, diving in and out of bushes, and think, maybe, stop the music

Listen to the birdsong, birdsong that wakes me at 4 am!

Construction workers, working on condos, 

A huge hole dug in the ground

Where once there was a green field, wildflowers and life abound

Do we really need another block of concrete and glass

They are mushrooming all around

I see the houses around, detached, semis, townhouses

Row after row, I look up and wonder who lives in them

Are they having a cup of tea?

I see several other walkers, mostly pensioners, at a guess

Having a morning walk with their friends,

Socialising now the days of work are at an end

I stop to cross the streets, a few cars about, some drivers stop for me

Some stop at the stop signs, and stare.....

I hold my head high, stride along without a care

But secretly, it reminds me to hold my abs in...hehehe

Round the blocks I go, my senses alive

The heat of the sun on my skin, the light blinding my eyes

The hues of colour, mainly green..a bit of of the rainbow too,

From the sun shining through the sprinklers that are on

Lacy leaves, full of holes, been the victim of caterpillars or bugs

So pretty, but I don't think the bushes agree as the leaves shrivel and die

The branches all turning brown, as slowly the bush comes to it's own demise

I am glad I went for my walk

I almost did not go

A restless night of sleep and long day ahead

Made me think twice

Instead of the 5072 steps tiring me 

It's woken and refreshed me, for the day

And week ahead......

It's been a while

Been a while since I rambled on on here, so thought I had better get a few lines down before we go out to see the latest and last Harry Potter as part of Jasmine's birthday celebrations and treats.

So, what has been happening? Well, Jasmine turned 11 today, and has decided to have a family birthday celebration. All my suggestions of having some of her friends round has been met with a nah! Except for one, Laura, who is all the way over in Nottingham, but also with us for part of the day, as they are skyping now as I am typing this all down. Laura has truly been a great friend to Jas, the most loyal and has continued to skype Jasmine regularly, and they have such a ball on skype, laughing, singing shrieking as though the were in the same room, and not separated by the Atlantic Ocean and vast plains of land.

It has been 5 weeks since school ended and summer vacation began... vacation in Canada, holidays in England. The kids have had a very laid back, almost nothing to do holiday apart from the 2 art classes they attend twice a week for 1.5 hours, where they have learned to draw some Manga characters.

I started a new job as a pharmacist's assistant/ technician 2 weeks before the kids broke up from school. The hours were suitable initially, as I only worked when the kids were at school. Then they offered me more hours, as I needed more training and experience, having never worked in a pharmacy/chemists' before.  At this time I was still working for McD's 2-3 nights a week. But my new boss wanted me to give up McD's for more hours at his pharmacy. I said I would consider it if it suited my life work balance.

In short, I did resign from McD's, not in the most pleasant of manners, but I did leave, I am now working 25 hours at the pharmacy and 2 days ago was told they would like me to add another 8 hours on. I have no problems working more apart from the fact my kids are off school for the summer and I am having to leave them for quite a few hours whilst I am at work.  After having nearly 2 years off with the kids, I am having great difficulty adjusting to this. I feel tremendous guilt, I am not spending time with them and they are being left to fend for themselves for hours on end.  They have been to a babysitters' course, where they learned about being safe whilst alone at home and also the principles of childsittiing. I guess this leads on from my previous post, they are now 5 weeks into being alone at home and mostly they have done well, but Jasmine reported that when they got home from art class on Tuesday, the front door of the house was wide open! With no one in. They were late for art class and had rushed out and not shut the door properly and probably locked it without it being shut!

Anyhow, I am also learning a lot at my new workplace. To be honest I am not sure I am up to it. I find the computer software that we have to use to fill prescriptions rather daunting and difficult to get used to. This is not helped by a boss that admitted to not being a good teacher and therefore snaps when mistakes get made. Mistakes that are correctable, but of course, that would be a wasting working time, correcting mistakes you shouldn't have made in the first place. I am not sure why I am finding it so difficult, usually I pick up things pretty quickly, but am struggling to say the least. There is a tension about when the boss is around which doesn't help. It's far too complicated to write here about the systems being used at work for various medications we have to prepare for patients, so I won't try, but I do not think it's the best system, and maybe that is the reason, or maybe it's a case of 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.

I go in everyday with a positive attitude, thinking that today will be the day I will not be intimidated by the computer software, or the regular patients that demand we do everything at the speed of sound and my boss who demands me to be faster, faster, like the speed of light! The reason I cannot be quick is I fear making a mistake which will make him mad at me..... Jeeeze, I need out of this mindset.

The patients are also so used to dealing with the boss or the head technician, that only they will do. They think the rest of us are just incompetent and therefore find it no hassle at all to be rude to us. We cannot possibly do anything right for them.......my heart is heavy when I think of work, but the money is proving useful, so until I hear from the college of nurses, I will just do my best, and if my best is not good enough then fire me!