About Me

- Suyin
- Mad, fun loving, nosey, caring, loving, tactile, straight, kind, fairly generous, helpful, critical, bossy and honest ! The simple things in life mean more than all the adornments we have or possess to make our lives better, only to find that all these things provide temporary gratification.....peace within oneself is by far the better answer....
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
"It was a dark and stormy night...."
I thought I would give it a go at short story writing... the above title is one of Snoopy's, hehehhe
I have thought about this for a while as Dave said I should consider it, but to be honest, I do not have the imagination needed. Perhaps it's because I have not read many books, not researched the different genres of writing. I am more of a real life person, fiction does not come easily. This makes me a very bad liar. I can't make up stories, even if it is a white lie. I guess this is a good thing, I am glad I am an honest person. With this, also comes openness as I have nothing to hide. This has it's own perils, as I am quite sensitive too, and am easily hurt by people's comments about me... I know I shouldn't let it bother me, stick and stones and all that. I am a softie at heart and hurt just as easily as the next person. Guess my self-esteem isn't where it should be as yet. I used to take everything personally. It was only recently that I realised that this wasn't the case.
I would call myself a very critical person and would look at things from a subjective rather than objective point. I was fairly cynical too, thinking that most people's actions had ulterior motives. Sounds like I was bordering on paranoia, doesn't it? Luckily for me, a stressful patch in my life, a catharsis if you like, allowed me to look into myself and after many weeks of working with a counsellor, I am starting to love who I am. I must thank Dave too, my rock and biggest fan, who has loved me unconditionally from the word go. He loves me more than I love myself, if that is possible.
Enough of the heavy stuff, I am going to try to write a short story. How to start though? Like Snoopy, "It was a dark and stormy night, the Sopwith camel was on another mission to get the Red Baron....?"Hmmmm, let's see. How about, " I was awakened by a noise that I had never heard before..."? This is hard work, this is... Su Lim, my brother jokingly said I could be the next JK Rowling... uh, I don't think so...haahahha
The day began as normal, I was awake before the alarm went off, guess it's my body clock telling me it was time to get up. I roll over, snuggled into the bedclothes, wanting just a few more minutes in bed. I'll get up when the alarm goes off. I reach out my hand for my darling who was beside me, but felt nothing... where was he? What day was it? Was he away on business? Reality wakes me up with a bang..... he was gone, gone forever, for good, never to return.....God, when will I get used to this?
I felt cheated, I always said I would be the one to go first, as I could not see a life without him, how could I cope, how would I cope? I made him promise. I said, I love you so much, you are my life and I can't see how I could continue to live without you. The pain would be too great. I don't want to live without you. I was the one with all the health problems, the one with the risks, the one who should go first. He was the strong, healthy one, the one so full of life, so positive about everything.
He said, you know I cannot promise you that, and that you are my life too, and fate will decide. Fate, how I hate that word. Why should fate have a say, surely I am in control of my own life, my health. If I eat a healthy diet, keep fit and don't participate in risky sports or have a risky lifestyle, surely that should keep me safe.
The tears start to fall, the bitterness in my throat hard to bear and the pain in my chest crushing. I am crying openly, I want my darling back, where is he, is he looking down on me, wanting to reach out and touch but unable to? I want him in my arms, just one last time. I did not even have a chance to say goodbye... he was taken away, I was robbed, my children were robbed, our families were robbed. All my questions remain unanswered, he's not coming back... I have to carry on, be strong for my kids, for myself, he was no longer here, he was gone.
I know I am not alone, many have experienced what I am experiencing, and many still are, I guess. Does this bring me any comfort? Not really, my pain is my own, as their pain is their own. So many things remind me of him. I can see him in the children, I see him on the sofa, in our bed, I see him everywhere, yet he is not there....this is so difficult. The grieving process and all it's stages, it's all so hard to bear. I want to run away, run away and hide, I want to join him, but I can't, my time will come, but for now, I must be strong, carry on........
"Darling, darling?" I was gently shaken to wake me up. I open my eyes, my darling was looking down on me.
"Are you ok? You were crying in your sleep," he said.
Am I ok? Of course I am, you're still with me, it was only a dream, but oh so real. I turned to him and said, " Remember, I am the one to go first, ok? Remember."
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