Writer's Block

Writing on here has been pretty sporadic and I haven't been in the mood to write  much, as I only have negative thoughts in my head and my pen feels very poisoned. Dave was looking up my Island Life blog this morning, to get some ideas for his journal, well actually to update his own journal and had left the page open. I read through some of the posts I had written and thought to myself, I did write some lovely stuff whilst in Trini... what has happened. Why am I so full of negativity these days? I really need to get my act together, I used to enjoy blogging so much and now, I hardly bother with it. All I ever do is play Candy Crush! It whiles away a lot of my free time, pointless but perhaps it's just a distraction from the real world that I am living in? I definitely need to meditate more. Suyin's Ramblings could well be turned to Suyin's Moans..... and who needs that? No one, for sure!

Recent happenings

Just a quick update... decided I could not pursue my nursing career for now as it requires me to go back to school for at least 12 months, followed by some clinical placements, so am now venturing into doulaism.... hahahaha. I will write more about what a doula is and what she does and why I am doing it. I finished my training yesterday, and am raring to go.

Am still a pharmacy assistant and trying hard to give it up. But Kim my doula trainer said work is sporadic and to take little steps at a time... I think I will combine my craft business with my doula business and see how it all goes.

Not sure who follows my blog, but this post is just to say Hello and yes, I am still alive and writing....

The Battered Wife Syndrome

Dave and I were in the car driving along and discussing my new job offer at another pharmacy, and my nursing career here in Canada.

I was trying to work out how I was going to tell my current boss that I was leaving.... now, most of you who know me must be thinking... girl, that's easy, just tell him to sling his hook!   Yet, here I was.. in a dilemma.. why was I hesitating? Surely, I should have no qualms about leaving. After all the stresses he has put me through, for one thing or another, why was I feeling bad?

There is a lot happening at the shop at the moment, some changes, we are getting new equipment and he needs staff there whilst it is being installed and we start using it. It is a big investment for him. I also am hesitating as I love working with my colleagues and we make a good team, supporting each other and always have a laugh or two when the boss isn't looking or listening to us. I am thinking of the effect my leaving will have on my colleagues and this makes my heart heavy, as their workload will be increased until someone new is found, trained and learn to work with the boss and not leave at his first few barks. In fact, one of them has said, please reconsider, please don't leave as you know he is not all bad. I know this to be true, but why work in an environment where you are on your guard all the time, not knowing when his next outburst will be. It is true that in the past year, he has improved, and has learnt to say please and thank you.

Also I  guess it's because I feel he gave me chance, gave me an opportunity, gave me a job when I went looking for one at his shop. I have learned a lot and my character has been built up no end. At the same time, I have had to have walls installed, heart hardened against all the tantrums he has thrown, all the accusations, all the pressure, it was beginning to make me ill...yet, inside me was this voice of doubt. I was making excuses, saying he was a trying to be a good person with a good christian heart, he helped a lot of his customers who  were struggling to pay for their medications, he does a lot of charitable work for his church, striving to be selfless, and yet somehow, not quite achieving it.

I had relayed this to Dave in our discussion, and he said to me, " You are sounding like a battered wife. This is what they do, they make excuses for their partners who constantly abuse them." It stopped me dead in my tracks.. well, my train of thoughts... was I? Was I sounding like a battered wife? Is this what it feels like to be abused over a long period of time? You learn to accept that this is how it is going to be.. but it's not all bad, because there are some good moments.  So, does one accept the bad times because of the good? Or are all the bad times unacceptable? The difference here is that I am not married to my work, there should not be a clause of for better or for worse, I have a choice, but why am I questioning my right to this choice?

In some ways, I really should have left all those months ago, when he really got personal and attacked my personality, making all sorts of assumptions, yet, he did not fire me. and I chose not to go. Today, here I sit, tap tapping away my thoughts, maybe a pros and cons list would help...

Pros
Better health not being stressed all the time
Better working environment- no more being on my guard all the time
Promise of better pay
Promise of being looked after well
Being able to be myself
Some days off in the week to be with the kids, catch up with studying, housework, knitting, crochet and friends!


Cons
A longer commute to work
Working every other Saturday- not a real con as Saturdays are mostly taken over by housework!
Costs or running another car


Looks clear doesn't it...

I must leave but how do I go about it? How does one exit pleasantly? What do I say? Do I tell him truth and let him deal with how he feels about it? Why am I even bothering about how he feels? Why???

Maybe the crux of the matter is this, I don't like having to let anyone down, but I know should I leave. This is what he will think and then be mouthing to others, that I was not honest, not trustworthy, he always had a feeling about me, not being genuine... why should I care? I know I am not all these things... Arghhhh !!!! You are probably wondering how I know this will happen, it is because when I first started working for him, he told me about a technician who had left, and these were the words he used to describe him. At least, I hope he will not say I was dishonest, as I have been very open with him, until the moment he said I was too honest and open!

I should learn to accept that I will not be liked or accepted by everyone. This Bernard Baruch quote should be practised, and maybe I will find some peace within myself

Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

The other one to consider is

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy.
Lao Tzu 

A Busy Saturday

Been a frantic busy day, starting with getting lost as the Tom Tom GPS took us to the wrong mall... arrived for interview just in time, and not early as I had planned, met my potential new boss, a very pleasant and charming man, ensuring me that I will be well looked after by his team... resume handed over, contact number and names exchanged... and a  promise to go to Pickering later to meet with his son at one of his stores.

We then dashed downtown to pick up my car, a white little darling of a Hyundai Accent, many  many years old, I will be it's 8th owner, and 160,000 on the odometer! A banger by any other name, but not by nature!  Off to the ministry of transport to get ownership transferred, new number plates which is BPXN 845, and pay road tax and govt tax... back to motor shop, plates fixed, money handed over, purchase complete...

Mad dash home, just in time to pick Mitch up from his guitar lesson, back home again, then off to Pickering to meet up with Hany, hours and availability discussed, another resume handed over... 

Driving home, this time on the 401, rather than the tolled 407, up to the library, picked up book on hold, another book returned as it had a hold on it... then decided to look thru the CD section..

Yuna

Discovered Yuna... she looked Malaysian, but I did not know of her, decided to give her a try.. borrowed all of the Killers collection, a Van Morrison, Moby, Pink, Barbara Streisand, A guitar CD, Florence and her washing machine, and David Gray.. my taste in music as eclectic as ever!

I also borrowed 3 novels, one for Mitch called Shoeless Joe that his Englich teacher recommended on parents' evening and Dave took out 2 DVDs, Social Network and The Men Who Stare at Goats! 

Kimchi

Next off to the local Korean Supermarket on Yonge, just down from the library but first stop was the Grande Cheese Factory Shop for some ice cream that the kids love. Got some lovely Italian salami, balsamic vinegar and the ice cream of course.  At the H-Mart, kimchi was 20% off, so I just had to get some after a tasting of the several kinds they make... love kimchi.. then to the sushi bar to pick up some Korean sushi, California roll, bulgogi kimbap, meat free kimbab, some kimchi pizza(omelette), Korean vege appetisers and other yummy treats! I love shopping here, there are several tasting stations, especially liked the kimchi(of course), the fried fresh king oyster mushroom salad with garlic vinaigrette,  the Korean vanilla latte and Korean digestive biscuits, in fact everything I tried! There was also a Japanese pancake that was made with cabbage... very bubble and squeak..This was all very helpful to ease the hunger pangs I was suffering from, I had forgotten to have any lunch with all this mad dashing about!

Kimchi Pizza

Am listening to Yuna as I am writing this... here is a link about her from good ol' wiki 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yuna_(singer)

And here is her official site

http://www.yunamusic.com/


Whilst we were at the cashier waiting to pay for our goodies at H-Mart, Dave said," Wonder what time Mitch's soccer session is tonight?" Arghhh, I totally forgot... mad phone call to Mitch, we had 50 minutes to pay, get home pick him up and take him ......

Ok, all of this happened on a day off!  Who has time for work on a day like today? I guess after vegeing out for many weekends in a row, apart from taking Mitch to his guitar lessons and soccer, we just crammed everything into today.. there are many things left to sort though, the Xmas gifts for the UK to be wrapped, and posted for one, the washing and changing of the bed linen for another, not to mention the general housework, the cooking, more cleaning up, getting the little bits I need for my new 'old' car- GPS, snow management equipment, not to mention it needs a wash! 

Will stop here, am feeling exhaustipated now, reliving all that I have written down, not to mention starving as all the food we bought is just sitting patiently by my side on the dining table shouting at me to eat! I will start with the stuffed squid!

Finally

After months and months of waiting, the College of Nurses of Ontario has written to say that I am eligible to sit their Board of Nurses exams! I am so deliriously happy at this moment it has to be said!

I had almost given up hope of ever hearing from them... so now, to read through the blurb, apply to sit the exam and see what happens next.. the path is not hurdle free but I am ready to face them...and hope not to land flat on my face but to leap high and surpass each one as they present themselves.. I am unstopppable!

After yesterday's post, it is for sure that I will go!

To go or not to go

For several months now, I have been battling with myself as to what to do with the situation at work. I have been struggling to understand my boss, who has made some allegations about my character and trust worthiness. I have tried very hard to remind myself that it is not me with the problem but him. Try as I might it still hurts. It shouldn't I know, as I know other people do not think the same of me, in fact quite the opposite.

Today, I was talking to my colleagues as to what work there was still to do, and he barks at me, in his condescending way. "Suyin, you have nothing to do, you have some free time?" Accusing me of idle chit chat, when it was work I was discussing. I told him what I was doing and he shut up!   It had been a crazy busy morning in work, and when I got in at 12pm, it was still slightly manic. It settled down after about an hour, but we continued to be busy for most of the day. There is so much going on behind the scenes at work. From ordering, to receiving orders and shelving things, manning the cash tills, preparing dosette packs, and filing like you would never believe.  You may think you have finished the filing, and there lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in another basket waiting for you, full of all these little bits of paper, records of all prescriptions that have been filled.  And yes, behind the basket waiting, is yet another!  Every thing has to be scanned, so there is the scanning basket too, in fact the place is full of baskets. Baskets of medications, baskets of filing, baskets of filled prescriptions waiting to be processed, baskets of prescriptions waiting for the order to arrive, baskets of billing from the dosettes.... it's turned me into a bit of a basket case!

Anyhow, one of my friends has banned me from talking about the troubles I am having with my boss in her presence.  I think she thinks it's not useful to discuss the same problems over and over and not being able to see a solution in the horizon. What she doesn't understand is that I need to talk to reassure myself and perhaps have others reassure me that I am who I am and not the person my boss thinks I am!  Actually, she says, we are not going to talk about this anymore as it only upsets you, and it's better to move on.  But how does one move on, when one has not resolved what one is bothered/troubled by? I will add here, that she's not really a close friend and perhaps will never be. I always try to be a listening ear to any of my friends undergoing stress/difficulties/problems... listening to them, letting them vent their thoughts. Never would I tell them never to talk about their problems, if that is what they want to do.  Life is not a bed of roses, after all, but perhaps it is, as there are thorns on a rose bush too!

Something positive now, my boss's business partner was in the store today and asked me if I had lost some weight. Well, what could I say? This is what I do say.. "You think so? I have not been trying to lose weight, but it's great that someone has noticed." I can be a such a charmer with words when I want to be!  I wanted to say, I have been so stressed here the weight has fallen off.  I am on my feet all day, I only take 10 minute breaks, and I don't even take any on Thursday or Friday. I get told off for not appearing to be busy at work, I am on edge, waiting for the pounce of baskets of filing, or worse still another verbal attack from the big bully. 

Seriously though, I am bigger that this, I can withstand all he throws in my direction, as I know it's him that has a problem.  But why should I stand for it? I am paid just above minimal wage, it's a low paying job, with fairly unfriendly family hours, standing for hours on end, and feeling pressured and stressed.  Let's not even talk about job satisfaction!   Is it worth it? No it's not.  If I was paid good money, I may put up with it, but this, it's such a joke, and the joke's on me. So, a move is order.. there are other jobs on the horizon, I need to do something that I enjoy, something that makes me feel like I am contributing to society, helping, being useful....

Too young to have children!

Conversation at the bakery next door to the pharmacy where I work...
Shop owner and a lady customer were talking about whether there was school that day..and I walked into this convo and was asked if my kids were at school..
Yes, they are at school.
Lady customer who also gets her meds from us, says to me, "You have kids?"
"Yes,I have 2 children"
"You do?" in a voice of disbelief..."How old are they?"
"11 and 13," said I...
"Really?" said she..
Again I said yes, and was wondering why she was so amazed, did I look like I was barren? Or so unattractive nobody would want to procreate with me?
Then she said, but you look too young to have had any children!
Well, well, well... It just made my day!

Tired and weary!

Wanting to be happy about going to work again....... when will this happen I wonder, is it my own fault, should I just stop moaning and get on with it? Perhaps look for something else that is more rewarding, but then don't they say, better the devil you know? My sense of adventure seems to been dampened by all the challenges that have been thrown in my path in the last year or so... so much character building, so many triumphs over the barriers, yet the ultimate goal of achieving a license to practice here as a registered nurse seems out of reach, despite all my efforts, I am getting weary and tired, is this it? Is this all I have to offer Canada, and also is this all Canada has to offer me?

I had a frustrating day last Friday, I had taken the day off and was so excited about it because the kids were off school and Dave was off work too. It was a good opportunity to try and sort my current status in Canada, am I a visitor or temporary worker? Is there a difference? I went to one of the all new, shiny and spanking Immigration Centres, Huge building to help new immigrants settle, ESL classes, childcare facilities, help with all sorts, apart from being able to help me.... they had no answers for me, they told me where I could get answers, avenues I had gone down before only to meet up with a dead end... I was advised to go personally to the Immigration Office in Downtown Toronto.. Please can I call first, so my journey is not wasted? Sorry, we do not have their number... could you call on my behalf as you are the Immigration Centre for newly arrived people to your country? Sorry, no we can't... to again another dead end, another day I have to take off without pay, to find out what my status is...may be a wasted journey, they may not even let me see anyone...busses in out region are still on strike, so it means driving too... I am tired of all this, I just want for things to go smoothly, just for once? Is this too much to ask? I am tired of riding on this roller coaster already....

Dave too had a frustrating time, trying to renew Jasmine's health card which will expire in January for some strange reason, he brought the required documents as stated on the letter we received, he drove there, and got in the queue only to be told he had not brought all the documents required!!! He explained that he brought what was stated in the letter but the dragon guarding the gate would not let him through....

We ended up feeling completely drained and despondent.. even the restaurant that Jasmine wanted to go to was shut as we were too late for lunch and 2 hours too early for dinner...

20 years strong

It's been a while since I last blogged. Working full time may have something to do with the fact that I am too bushed to write a few words even though there's been many a time when I thought, hmmmm, this is good material for my blog!

Today marks the 20th anniversary of Dave and I meeting. Strictly speaking this isn't true I guess.  Shall I say that I was oblivious to Dave's existence until today 20 years ago.  It was the first time he spoke to me, and me to him, chatting me up in the staff swimming pool at the BRI.  We've not stopped chatting ever since, apart from when I was giving him the cold shoulder for some minor disagreement according to him, and major row in my opinion!

20 years of laughter, blood, sweat and tears...in that order of quantity and importance.  Well, maybe not the blood bit, more laughter, love and madness!  For those who know me pretty well, the blood bit has a some meaning, but I shan't be explaining it here lol.

What has been happening over the last 2.5 months? Well, the kids spent most of the summer at home, on their own, whilst I worked  4 days a week, and had Friday off to be with them. We also  had a week off when we went to Huntsville, Muskoka, to a resort by the Lake Peninsula, for 3 nights and 4 days after staying in Blue Mountains at the Georgian Manor resort, a points system time share joint that was freebie stay. Needless to say, we did not buy into the holiday club. The room they gave up was pretty poor, but on our orientation, they showed us a typical apartment that we would have and it was luxurious.  The way I looked at it was, you pay an amount, let's say CAD 12K for 25,000 points per year, for 30 years. You also have to pay a maintenance charge, compulsory charge of CAD 500 a year. So, for 30 years, you pay another CAD15K on top of the 12K you already paid out.  These points can then be traded for accommodation and flights, if you have enough points.  Most of the accommodation may come in cheap if you book last minute, off peak and you may get a 4-5 * place for less than 10,000 per week. So far so good... you still have to get the flights out there, or drive there or get there by some other means.  They have a travel agent who can help with getting the flights, and say their prices are competitive, usually lower than anywhere else. It all sounded so good, and if you do not use all your points in one year, you can carry it on to the next, but they can only last for 2 years.  You could also get a points loan from your future years, shortening the term you initially paid into. And it's all fully transferable, so, if I had a stroke next year, and could no longer travel, I could transfer the plan to my kids or anyone I wished.

All very attractive, yes? Sounded such a good deal. too good to give up, so, what was the catch? None, they said, because of the member numbers that have signed up, they have great buying power and ability to provide these deals. Hmmm.  Lets just consider our lifestyles at the moment...... Both Dave and I are living in a country that is not out birth country. If we were to have a major holiday expense, we would be going back to the UK or Malaysia to see our respective parents and family.  Will we need 4-5* accommodation?? Probably not, as we would be staying with the folks.  Would we be travelling off peak? No, we won't as kids have school to go to. Would we do a last minute holiday? Maybe, but only if we can get the time off work! So, all in all, it was beginning to look like we were unable to get the good deals and our points would not go a looong way. We were also restricted to using the points in 1-2 weeks per year, and if you booked for accom outside your resort, you paid a CAD 124 booking fee. Again, not so good.

Last but not least, did we have a spare CAD 12,000 sitting in the bank, not needed for anything?? This answer would be a definite NO! We don't have that kind of spare cash. Oh, but sir, that is not a problem, you could always take out a loan to pay for it.... A loan, you say, and what's the APR... well, it's high, at 22.9%, as we would rather have the payment in full. Ahhhh, said I. 22.9%? When a high interest savings account pays our 1.5%APR at the moment? You got to be kidding meh?? You serious?? The Trini in meh rearing my intelligent head. Or, or... oh yes, or? Or you could use get a line of credit from your bank, and the APR will be less.  Ahhh, line of credit, another term from loan, but this time from your personal bank... I will still need to pay this back, and if I am paying this back, will I have any money left to pay for the flights for 4 people?? And be able to use my points? and still have some money to spend whilst on holiday?? See my dilemma?  This was a no brainer, of course we would not be buying today, but thank you very much for inviting us. The timing is not right, not now, not ever! In my opinion, it did not make sense....it would be different I guess, if I had the spare cash and did a lot of travelling, with no priorities as to where we should go on holiday, but with aging parents, they will always come first.

Ok, now for the happy events...Deerhurst Resort was lovely and we had a brilliant time by the lakeside, swimming, kayaking, canoeing, tubing, Dave and Mitch played  a bit of golf, Jas and I went horse riding, and we had wound down in amazing surroundings. The Canadians have a second home by the lakes, and as we paddle boarded and kayaked, we saw some of these 'cottages', set just above the water line, most looked like luxury homes. If you have visited Trinidad and the Bocas- Down D Islands, the cottages were a bit like the houses on the islands... amazing, with jetty's and boat parks, lake inflatables and the rest lol.  Mitch and I had a little adventure when we rescued some people stranded on their tube, and they shouted out to us for help when we were paddle boarding. We towed them back to their cottage, made friends and they took us out on their boat, pulling Mitch behind on a tube...

Mitch and Jas went back to school in September, and seem more relaxed this year,  going back to the same school has been a good thing for them.  They are happy to be back and are settling in really well in their new classes. I have been working full time since they started back, and they return to an empty house most days, usually Jas on her own, if Mitch goes to a friend after school. It's working out ok, they are responsible enough to get their homework done as soon as they get back.  On the days that I work till 6pm, Dave, tries to get home early.

Some friends of mine visited from Malaysia too this month! They were on a North American tour and had 2 nights in Toronto, so we met up and had dinner with them.  It was really nice to see them after 4 years! Choy Yuen, Yit Ming and her daughter Natalie had just been to NYC, Boston, Quebec City, Montreal and Ottawa prior to coming to Toronto. We went to Swiss Chalet, which is a family type chain of restaurants that serve spit roast chicken and  bbq pork ribs, as their speciality. We don't rate them that highly, but as our guests did not want Asian food, it was the next best bet. I hope they enjoyed their meals as much as they said they had lol.

Choy Yuen very kindly brought some things from me, from my mum, and will be bringing some things back for me. I am so lucky, I have friends that are willing to do me a favour.  I guess I should count my blessings when things aren't going too well. It was a difficult end to my working week last week with me reduced to tears at work, but when I look back and see all that I have achieved, on my own initially, and then with Dave, I feel like the world can throw me anything, and we have the means to deal with it.

Peace and happy wishes to all, till the next posting....

It's Happening

My son and daughter are doing to me what I did to my mum  at their age. I would have my own cooking adventures when she was at work, and leave a little mess from my endeavours (she would dispute this and say big mess), I would desperately try to clean up but always left a greasy trail, this was what I came home too yesterday, flour, butter, cheese, kitchen floor mopped but with no detergent, so now the kitchen floor's all slippery with grease spread round! 

Sugar cookies by Mitch

I thought it a bit suspicious when they would not allow me into the kitchen when I got home, and Mitch had just finished mopping, so the floor was wet and he said, stay out, I don't want you to slip.  But as our house is open plan, I could see the miniature chaos in the background.  I duly went to watch some TV and catch up my emails and FB, when they said, can we put the wooden pizza board in the oven? Use a baking sheet with parchment paper, I say.  We can't as I still have unbaked cookies on them... oh, well, use one of the other tins then as your pizzas aren't very big. Ok, Mitch said.

I had left for work yesterday morning having prepared the ingredients for homemade pizza in the evening. The bread dough was made and proving, the tomato sauce was cooked, the toppings all prepared and put back in the fridge. I had rung Dave at work and told him what to do, then told the kids that they could blend the sauce before using it. 

Dave was home late, he was stuck on a bus, delayed by a 3 car collision on Highway 7, so I was home first.  The kids decided they would have a go making the pizzas.... they had also made some cupcakes and sugar biscuits earlier.. it was an afternoon of culinary delights and discovery.  Unfortunately, despite numerous visits to Dominoes Pizza where they saw the pizzas being made, they still struggled with rolling of the dough, how much sauce to put on and so on and so forth.   What I saw on the pizza board was this - 3 pizzas, 2 mini ones, thick crust, one small pizza, dangerously thick crust... the crusts looked a bit puffed up, and I wondered if they had tried to stuff the crust too.

Mini pizzas

It's probably my fault, the bread dough was difficult to handle, probably too soft, and the minute they tried to roll it out flat, it would spring back at them. Anyhow, I heard a shout from the kitchen, I can't get it of f the pizza board. Ok, I say, I am coming...... I get in there, found the other baking sheet in the pan drawer and lined it with parchment paper. Turned to the puffy pizza and tried to lift it off, impossible, the sauce has soaked into the dough, it was all a bit soggy, started to stretch and tear... what to do? I tried folding it over and make a calzone, reasonable success but great difficulty getting it on the baking sheet, and it now looked like a monster, calzone gone terribly wrong, all stuffed with mushroom, cheese, onion and peppers, not to mention ooozing with zingy tomato sauce. I placed the 2 mini pizzas beside it, put them in the oven and hoped for the best, despite it's looks, the monster still had choice ingredients on its side, or its insides at the very least.

Monster calzone

In the meantime, my beady eye cast a glance over the entire workspace the kids had been working on, it was strewn with flour, butter, tomato sauce, grated cheese..... I tried to keep calm and not shout and failed miserably.. I will have to try harder next time.... Anyhow, I said to them, so much mess everywhere, there's even flour on the tea cosy! I ranted for a bit, saying that the best time for them to experiment in the kitchen is when I am not in, and to finish and tidy up before I get back! We tried mum, but all our cooking took up so much time and my sugar cookies were too soft and they required a lot of chilling time. I said, you had 8 hours to cook... well, Mitch said, we played for 2 hours, then Jas started making her cupcakes, then I started with my cookies.. Did you have lunch? No, we ran out of time... ran out of time?? Are you kidding me? I had left them some cash to go and get something for lunch themselves. This was done with the intention of getting them out of the house for a bit, as they have the tendency to stay in all day whilst I am at work.. it's the summer holidays and they are spending the majority of it indoors! WELL, we ate the cupcakes Jasmine made. Humph, I said.

purple cupcakes with blue icing

Jas, had left the kitchen by now, Mitch came in to help tidy, but was rather upset with me, understandably as I was being unreasonable and should expect the kids to make a mess, and for me to come home and clean it all up. It's all about discovery and independence... but I think I will stick to having them help me more in the kitchen in the future, but I am a rather bad teacher and prone to outbursts... argh....

The pizza Mitch and I made together

I can still hear my mum's words as she ranted at me for leaving the kitchen in a mess. Of course as time went by, I was getting better and better at tidying up after myself, but she would still discover signs of me having experimented despite the obvious delightful product to be enjoyed by the family, and the neighbours too, as I usually made too much. So, it's come full circle. My mum use to threaten me with the, just wait till you have your own kids, and me retaliating with I am not having kids, so there..... huh....what did I know? Perhaps, my mum saying I have eaten more salt than you have rice is true after all.......I have come full circle, was being shouted at, now I am doing the shouting, but I want to break this circle, shouting is and will never be the answer...

On My Walk This Morning

  

On my walk this morning, 

What did I see,

A field full of geese,

Sunshine shining through the clouds 

And the breeze blowing through the trees.

Well kept borders of colourful flowers,

Steps with pots of colours,

Petunias, begonias, geraniums and more

Sunflowers soaring towards the skies, plates of yellow

Nodding at me, saying, "Summer's here but not for much longer."

In my ears, songs play...egging me along, making my walk easier.

Songs that remind me of people, that I have left behind

Songs that remind me of a time past

Memories that never seem to fade

Echobelly reminds me of Billy, who introduced them to me

Duffy of Matty and a time of madness, so mad but painfully sweet,

Zee Avi takes me home, to my brother who first posted one of her songs on FB

In the distance I see cars, the Highway 7, 6 lanes of rushour traffic

I hear not the noise they make for the music in my ears

I spot a bird or two, diving in and out of bushes, and think, maybe, stop the music

Listen to the birdsong, birdsong that wakes me at 4 am!

Construction workers, working on condos, 

A huge hole dug in the ground

Where once there was a green field, wildflowers and life abound

Do we really need another block of concrete and glass

They are mushrooming all around

I see the houses around, detached, semis, townhouses

Row after row, I look up and wonder who lives in them

Are they having a cup of tea?

I see several other walkers, mostly pensioners, at a guess

Having a morning walk with their friends,

Socialising now the days of work are at an end

I stop to cross the streets, a few cars about, some drivers stop for me

Some stop at the stop signs, and stare.....

I hold my head high, stride along without a care

But secretly, it reminds me to hold my abs in...hehehe

Round the blocks I go, my senses alive

The heat of the sun on my skin, the light blinding my eyes

The hues of colour, mainly green..a bit of of the rainbow too,

From the sun shining through the sprinklers that are on

Lacy leaves, full of holes, been the victim of caterpillars or bugs

So pretty, but I don't think the bushes agree as the leaves shrivel and die

The branches all turning brown, as slowly the bush comes to it's own demise

I am glad I went for my walk

I almost did not go

A restless night of sleep and long day ahead

Made me think twice

Instead of the 5072 steps tiring me 

It's woken and refreshed me, for the day

And week ahead......

It's been a while

Been a while since I rambled on on here, so thought I had better get a few lines down before we go out to see the latest and last Harry Potter as part of Jasmine's birthday celebrations and treats.

So, what has been happening? Well, Jasmine turned 11 today, and has decided to have a family birthday celebration. All my suggestions of having some of her friends round has been met with a nah! Except for one, Laura, who is all the way over in Nottingham, but also with us for part of the day, as they are skyping now as I am typing this all down. Laura has truly been a great friend to Jas, the most loyal and has continued to skype Jasmine regularly, and they have such a ball on skype, laughing, singing shrieking as though the were in the same room, and not separated by the Atlantic Ocean and vast plains of land.

It has been 5 weeks since school ended and summer vacation began... vacation in Canada, holidays in England. The kids have had a very laid back, almost nothing to do holiday apart from the 2 art classes they attend twice a week for 1.5 hours, where they have learned to draw some Manga characters.

I started a new job as a pharmacist's assistant/ technician 2 weeks before the kids broke up from school. The hours were suitable initially, as I only worked when the kids were at school. Then they offered me more hours, as I needed more training and experience, having never worked in a pharmacy/chemists' before.  At this time I was still working for McD's 2-3 nights a week. But my new boss wanted me to give up McD's for more hours at his pharmacy. I said I would consider it if it suited my life work balance.

In short, I did resign from McD's, not in the most pleasant of manners, but I did leave, I am now working 25 hours at the pharmacy and 2 days ago was told they would like me to add another 8 hours on. I have no problems working more apart from the fact my kids are off school for the summer and I am having to leave them for quite a few hours whilst I am at work.  After having nearly 2 years off with the kids, I am having great difficulty adjusting to this. I feel tremendous guilt, I am not spending time with them and they are being left to fend for themselves for hours on end.  They have been to a babysitters' course, where they learned about being safe whilst alone at home and also the principles of childsittiing. I guess this leads on from my previous post, they are now 5 weeks into being alone at home and mostly they have done well, but Jasmine reported that when they got home from art class on Tuesday, the front door of the house was wide open! With no one in. They were late for art class and had rushed out and not shut the door properly and probably locked it without it being shut!

Anyhow, I am also learning a lot at my new workplace. To be honest I am not sure I am up to it. I find the computer software that we have to use to fill prescriptions rather daunting and difficult to get used to. This is not helped by a boss that admitted to not being a good teacher and therefore snaps when mistakes get made. Mistakes that are correctable, but of course, that would be a wasting working time, correcting mistakes you shouldn't have made in the first place. I am not sure why I am finding it so difficult, usually I pick up things pretty quickly, but am struggling to say the least. There is a tension about when the boss is around which doesn't help. It's far too complicated to write here about the systems being used at work for various medications we have to prepare for patients, so I won't try, but I do not think it's the best system, and maybe that is the reason, or maybe it's a case of 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks'.

I go in everyday with a positive attitude, thinking that today will be the day I will not be intimidated by the computer software, or the regular patients that demand we do everything at the speed of sound and my boss who demands me to be faster, faster, like the speed of light! The reason I cannot be quick is I fear making a mistake which will make him mad at me..... Jeeeze, I need out of this mindset.

The patients are also so used to dealing with the boss or the head technician, that only they will do. They think the rest of us are just incompetent and therefore find it no hassle at all to be rude to us. We cannot possibly do anything right for them.......my heart is heavy when I think of work, but the money is proving useful, so until I hear from the college of nurses, I will just do my best, and if my best is not good enough then fire me!

Letting my chicks spread their wings...and take some responsibility

Yesterday was the 1st day I was not at home to greet the kids when they got back from school... I rang them at 5pm, they finish school at 3.05pm and were walking home via a play at the park, they were not back! Dave arrived home at 5.05, they were not home, he drove to the park - no kids there, on driving home, they were seen walking to the front door.. 5.20pm!

They did not read the note I left, nor ate the flapjacks I made! I also asked for them to call me when they got home, but having not read the note, they didn't.

On the upside, they were safe, had entertained themselves, they did not lose their house keys,  they did not plonk in front of the TV all evening. The kitchen did not look like a bomb had hit it... this to me is a big plus.

Mitch cooked his pizza, then went to table tennis coaching with Dave. So, all's well that ends well.

I had finished work early, came home and M and D were still out. I called out to Jasmine, no reply.... the fans were on full blast, the balcony french door was open, as was the insect screen! The TV was on, but cable not, so blank screen, where was everyone???

Dave and M were still at table tennis, Jas was in her room, indisposed....

Points to remember

Make sure Mitch has his phone and get him to text me when he gets home.

Make sure they have their keys

Tell them where I will leave them messages

Write out instructions for making meals if necessary

We'll see what happens today.

Mitch will be home on his own when he gets back from school today as Jasmine is going on a trip with one of her friends for 2 nights. She is missing school tomorrow, well, only 3 hours of school. They finish at 11.30 tomorrow, and their summer hols begins, all 10.5 weeks of it!

It's Been a Hard Day's Night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD4TAgdS_Xw

And I've been working like a dog.... lah lah lah lah lah lah..... funny how I am singing when all I feel like doing in curling up and fading away, like the blossoms of spring, when the weather starts getting warmer. The beautiful hues of colour, fades, falls off the trees in a shower of pink snow.....

I am looking at my life, and all I can see is failure...
When I left school, all I wanted to be was be a piano teacher, I relied on that so much for my future career that I didn't really work that hard at school. Piano and music lessons were taken privately in Malaysia, it wasn't covered in school.  I was good at music theory, up to a point, my piano playing wasn't all that bad, and scoring a merit for Grade 8  practical exam and distinction for Grade 8 music theory sealed my fate, or so I thought. After completing my A Levels,  I left school and was teaching music theory for 1 music teacher, and had a few students of my own. I also continued to work towards my teacher's diploma. In addition, I was also a piano accompanist at 2 dance schools.... that seemed like an age ago, and it is, I am talking about more than 20 years ago.  I did this for about 3 years, when I realised that I was no where near ready to do my teacher's diploma, nor could I improve my piano playing, and decided that I had to do something else instead.

That something turned out to be the biggest change in my young life.  I left home big time, left Malaysia and travelled all the way to England where I had been offered a place in Bristol to train as a registered general nurse...I had some of the best years of my life in Bristol. I found I adapted well to nursing, even though it was a career I had decided upon as an adult, and then only because it was the only course I could do that was self sufficient, meaning there were no fees to be paid and I would be paid a wage to train.... this meant I did not have to burden my parents with having to pay my fees.  I met Dave in my 3rd year of nurse training, we fell in love, we lived in sin for more than 3 years, then decided to get married, and organised the whole wedding in 5 weeks! My parents flew over, wondering if I had a bun in the oven!  Oh, between living together and getting married, I also trained to be a midwife, and managed to snag myself 2 full time posts, one of which I had to give up.

My children were also born in Bristol, we had a lot of friends, and life was good....after Jasmine was born, I decided to give up midwifery and went back to nursing.... there again, failure as a midwife? We had also moved to Nottingham.   I went from working in hospital to primary care, working as a practice nurse for a GP, this lead to me going for the MSc in Advanced Clinical Practice.... again..... failure loomed.... I did the course work and managed to keep up with being a wife, mother, housekeeper, cook, cleaner, practice nurse, and student... but just about.  I enjoyed the course, we had some wet lab anatomy lessons which I loved and soaked it all up like a sponge.  The course was also clinically based and the GPs I was working for failed to grasp this as they could not afford to give me any more hours nor did they find it possible to support me clinically.... failure looming big time.... I could not see anyway of achieving my clinical competencies.....I must say one positive thing on their behalf, they really needed me to get my non-medical prescribers qualification, as that would allow me to prescribe drugs/treatments the patients I saw. These were usually travel vaccinations, the oral contraceptive pill, antibiotics, analgesics, emollients, asthma medication and the like.  They supported me fully during this part of the course, and I passed this with a bit of hard work. I loved pharmacology, I learnt so much I thought I needed a new head!

During this period, I decided to get another job that would hopefully give me more clinical hours and commenced working for the out of hours GP service... this is the emergency GP service, for when GPs are shut. I started off working on the telephone, triaging patients, suggesting self help remedies or offering them an appointment or home visit by a GP, as necessary, following my assessment of their condition. Some times they were advised to go straight to the emergency department, or we would call them an ambulance. I really enjoyed working for this service. I met some great people, colleagues and patients alike and we always had such a laugh.  I then progressed on to face to face consultations, so if a patient came in to the primary care centre, eg they were offered an appointment with the emergency doctors, I would assess their vital signs and general condition and quickly assess if they needed to see a doctor immediately or whether they would be safe to wait a while.  From this I progressed to my final nursing post, Advanced Nurse Practitioner. As I was doing the masters and being taught clinical history taking and examination, diagnoses and treatment, I was  allocated my own patients to consult. I did this in the emergency department of a hospital in Nottingham.  I would be referred patients that were inappropriate attenders, usually people that could not get an appointment with their GPs, usually with minor ailments or injuries. I could also refer directly to ENT  and the early pregnancy clinic for threatened abortions ( bleeding in early pregnancy), so I was referred some of these patients too. I also had access to GP admissions, either medical or surgical, so sometimes some of these patients came through as well.  If this wasn't enough, as the ED dept had a kids ED, sometimes, I got to see children too! Sometimes, people come to ED as they have lost confidence in their GP or they believe that if they are at the hospital, they will definitely be referred on to the specialist they want to help with their ailments. Perhaps it's like fast tracking, but unfortunately, that is not what Emergency Departments are for.  If you have a bad knee and have had one for the last 18 months, and it's not getting better, but it's not getting any worse, then you will probably get streamed to see me, and I will probably refer you back to your GP, which will probably make you mad, but that's how the health service works!

My greatest achievement in this dept was managing to diagnose an abdominal aortic aneurysm on an 80+ gentleman who had attended ED for persistent back pain, despite having seen his GP the day before, and on trying to get another appointment the day I saw him, the GP had no appointments left and told the gentleman to get himself to ED. He arrived by ambulance as he did not have transport. He was streamed by a senior ED nurse, and he ended up in my consultation room.  Poor man, was in so much discomfort despite taking the painkillers prescribed by his GP the day before.  After taking a history, and starting with his vital signs, I continued my top to toe examination and when I saw that pulsating mass in his abdomen... RED FLAGS sprung to mind.  As I had failed one of my clinical assessments due to back pain and not knowing all the red flags, I was totally clued up!  He was quickly referred back to Area 1 and before I knew it he was in resus! I cannot recall exactly how large his aneurysm was but it was something ridiculous like 35cm in diameter, I am not kidding.... the best part of this was that he survived the surgery.

The next failure was not finishing the Masters. I was banging my head against a brick wall at my original  practice nurse job, the GP who was meant to be my mentor was not pulling his weight. He told me to go to Uni, get the info on the latest treatments, then give him and his partner an update! He did not think it was his role to teach me anything about anything..... The out of hours service was not able to help me out with a mentor, and so, after quite a lot of deliberation and self beating up, I exited the course....half completed.... but this turned out to be a blessing as a few months later, Dave was offered a job in Trinidad.... so, we packed out bags and flew to the Caribbean!

Not going to revisit Trinidad as I have a separate blog dedicated to that...island life in the windies.

Now we are in Canada, I have almost decided not to go back to nursing...so there you go, another failure, it's the one thing I am fairly good at, love and enjoy, yet the thought  of 12 hour shifts fill me with dread.  So, I go get a job at McD's.  It is convenient, as it's very close to home, the hours are flexible and it's working with food! A different direction...... this morning I am not so sure.....new job, new challenges, but the same old me....another failure in the wings? Waiting to pounce on me?

I was going to rant and rave, but after having 2 hours of sleep post my night shift at McD's, I got up and decided to clean the house... I tried out the central vacuum, not used one of those before, and clean all the carpets, on 3 floors, cleaned the 4 bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen, mopped all the hardfloors and stairs. After all this I felt decidedly calm. There's something about a tidy and clean house that just oozes feelings of warmth and happiness.


I started out being really negative, using  the word failure, but really all that has happened in my life on reflection is that I have changed course as I grew and developed and I don't mean physically, even though there is  a lot of evidence to prove that this is so too.  Instead of staying on the well trodden path, getting stuck in a rut, I have found courage to make a change and along with change, come risks.  Sometimes making the wrong choice but mostly making the right ones. Initially, there was only me to consider, then Dave and me, and now the family and me.  I have another night shift on Friday.....I will reassess the situation after that shift, time will tell...is this the right path?

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try.”

“There are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them.” Tom Krauss

“Success builds character, failure reveals it”  Dave Chekett

Try and fail, but don't fail to try.   Steven Kagawa  I am not sure why this copy and paste is underlined, very annoying! LOL

Not for want of trying... that's me!