I Hate Being Ill

Been ill over last 3 days, nothing specific, started with a head cold, and then a cough, head feeling like it's stuffed with cotton wool, sinuses hurting and generally feeling yucky. No raised temperature as far as I could tell but Dave said I felt hot a few times.

Spent a lot of time in bed, dozing, reading and listening to the radio on line. A whole week's episodes of The Archer's was listened to on Friday!  Surfaced to cook for the family and myself and to eat. Not really had much of an appetite but ate anyway.... if I don't eat, my stupid stomach complains with pain, a bit of gastritis or dyspepsia. I only have to miss a few meals or eat a few meals later than normal and my stomach will complain loudly.  As I hate pain as much as being ill, I eat whether I feel hungry or not, and try to eat at meal times as much a possible.

Anyhow, Christmas is less than a week away, Bah Humbug, I am not feeling Christmassy this year.... it's a time for home and family and more and more I am beginning to feel as though I have no real home.  Home is where the heart is as the saying goes, and so, I guess Thornhill is home, as my heart is here with Dave and the kids. Malaysia too is home as that is where I was born and brought up, England too is home as I spent nearly 20 years living and building a life there. It's a funny sort of feeling, being in limboland.  A bit sad I guess.

I chose to leave Malaysia at 23, fully grown adult, and made my life in England, yet despite nearly 20 years of living there, I felt like I never belonged. Yet, I did not feel like I could return to Malaysia either, and now, after a year in Trinidad, I am in Canada.  I did feel at home in Trinidad, I looked like a local and my neighbours and friends I made there really accepted me into their circle, I almost felt like family... it was a great feeling.

Malaysia

Our home in Beeston, Notts, UK

Our pool in Trinidad

I feel isolated here in Canada, it's a vast country and though people are friendly, they're not as friendly as the Trinidadians and I feel lost...At least I am now welcomed at school and seen valued as a volunteer, gives me a purpose in life again apart from my fantastic role and wife and mother, of course.

The kids are looking forward to Xmas, Dave has wrapped almost all the pressies, I have yet to get him anything, but because I have not earned any money for a while, and the house back home is not being rented out as yet, I feel like I have no money of my own and whatever I buy for him, he ends up paying for.  It's really strange, I have always worked apart from the last 18 months, and earned my own money that was put in a common pot and therefore did not worry about spending. Now though, I feel like I can only spend money for essentials and feel really guilty if I spend on treats.  Silly, I know, Dave is earning for us both, but I feel like I have lost some independence, well a lot of independence and am now dependant on him... not a nice feeling, I can tell you... the solution is easy, get a job!

So, that will be my New Year's resolution.... finding a job that will fit in with the kids.  I am currently waiting for a new work permit and also for the College of Nurses Ontario to approve my credentials and give me a license to practice as a nurse. I have mentioned that I am at a crossroads, I am not sure I want to return to nursing, but I do not know what I want to do either. Am beginning to sound confused, maybe the virus in my sinuses has retreated and is now lodged in my brain!